


you're not the only one who's terrified of life from end to end

by mysilenceknot



Category: The Flash (TV 2014)
Genre: Autism, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-18
Updated: 2019-07-18
Packaged: 2020-07-08 03:09:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 974
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19862530
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mysilenceknot/pseuds/mysilenceknot
Summary: “What’s loud?” Barry walked into the living room. His boyfriend was sitting on the couch, legs crossed so they didn’t touch the floor, eyes closed, hands covering his ears.“Everything. Can’t you hear it?”





	you're not the only one who's terrified of life from end to end

**Author's Note:**

> The candles and music are examples of applying DBT skills. The blanket is acting as an autistic comfort item. I wrote this at three am the last two nights because those are the symptoms I've been experiencing lately. That's just how it is sometimes on this bitch of an Earth.  
> Title comes from [From End To End](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CV5kMGGL-ds) by Relient K.  
> Bonus: [this is the background music I was thinking of](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j824I3aINdw).

It was past midnight. On a normal weeknight, Barry would have started winding down in preparation for sleep by this time. However, Cisco had texted him half an hour earlier. Now he sat on a kitchen stool in the candle-lit apartment, working on a paint by number app on his phone and half-listening to the instrumental album playing in the background at a low volume.

At the sound of a knock, Barry quickly moved to grab his door. Cisco pushed inside and made a beeline to the couch. “It’s loud,” Cisco said. He sounded panicked. “It’s too loud.”

“What’s loud?” Barry walked into the living room. His boyfriend was sitting on the couch, legs crossed so they didn’t touch the floor, eyes closed, hands covering his ears.

“Everything. Can’t you hear it?” Cisco waved one hand in the air, gesturing aimlessly. “It’s buzzing in my head.”

“Hey, it’s okay.” Barry knelt down in front of Cisco. “Talk to me. Did something happen?”

Cisco shook his head as his hands fell from his ears; he began fiddling with the fabric of his sweats instead. His face scrunched up as if he were about to cry, but no tears fell. The tenseness in his upper body was visible - it looked like he was gearing himself up for a fight.

It wasn’t as if this was something that never happened. They each had their fair share of mental health issues, so of course a wide variety of reactions would occasionally pop up. When Barry got the text it was clear that Cisco was in some sort of crisis mode, but Cisco insisted on coming over to Barry’s apartment instead of Barry visiting him.

Cisco had once told him that when he got overwhelmed the last thing he wanted to do was stay in his own space. He felt safe at Barry’s place - and that made Barry feel like he was doing something right.

“I was trying to clean up my kitchen and I was suddenly hit with this wave of… I don’t even know. It’s like I was sad but also numb but also so overwhelmed and it got so loud in my head. Like even the air is screaming and my mind is jumbled.” Cisco’s eyes flew open. “I feel like I’m fucking crazy but it’s so  _ loud  _ and it won’t stop.”

“Okay. Follow my lead. Take deep breaths.” Barry needed a second to pause and figure out what to do but he could tell that Cisco was worked up almost to the point of hyperventilation. When Cisco’s breathing had hit a more normal speed, Barry got up and went to his room to grab a fluffy throw blanket. “Here,” he said, wrapping it around Cisco’s shoulders.

Cisco reached up and grabbed Barry’s hand, tugging it gently. Barry followed the unspoken implication of the gesture, sitting carefully next to Cisco. Cisco leaned his head against Barry’s shoulder and closed his eyes again. With his free hand, Barry reached up to card his fingers through Cisco’s hair. He was thankful for the new set of tropical candles that he’d bought a few days earlier and lit in preparation of Cisco’s arrival. It let the apartment stay relatively dark so the brightness of fluorescent lights wouldn’t add to any overstimulation. In addition, it brought warmth and a comforting scent to the space the pair were in.

After about a minute, Cisco broke the silence. “I think I’m stressed out.”

“Hmm?”

“I think I’m stressed out. I mean, I’ve been in and out of an episode so obviously I’m stressed out. But I don’t know why. For the last week I’ve kept getting overwhelmed at like 11 for no reason and it just builds and builds.” Cisco struggled to explain. “It hasn’t felt like the way I get hyper-alert because of the autism but I think it’s connected. And I usually can manage it but tonight I felt like I was going to die.”

Barry tried to think of anything that was happening in their lives that might be causing this that Cisco hadn’t thought of. Nothing unusual was happening with respect to finding metas, nor had Cisco brought up any grad school projects or Ramon family drama that was troubling him.

Then again, there was always a chance that Cisco’s mind was just fucking with him. That’s how it was with PTSD sometimes - the stress was internal, the trigger was something completely forgettable, the mind was overwhelmed and shut down.

“God, that was stupid. I’m sorry.”

Barry shushed his boyfriend. “Don’t apologize. It happens.” He thought for a second. “What do you mean you felt like you were going to die?”

“You know when you have multiple disorders and they’re all fighting with each other?” Cisco sighed. “And you’re just so fucking sick of it because your brain is melting and it’s as if you’re staring straight into the void?”

“Oh,” Barry replied.

“Yeah.”

It wasn’t something Barry experienced often anymore, but he could still remember how when he was younger his mind would flood with images of ways he could make the pain stop forever. He didn’t know what Cisco was going through, no matter how much shared trauma they had (and honestly, every single person in Team Flash had shared trauma that manifested itself in a colorful array of ways) so he couldn’t quite speak to everything that was causing pain. 

However.

“I’m glad you called me.”

“I’m glad you picked up.”

“Let’s go to bed, okay?” Barry said. He smiled when he felt Cisco’s nod on his shoulder.

Further discussion on what was going on could wait for the morning, but tonight was for cuddling in bed with his boyfriend.

Barry continued to hold Cisco’s hand as they walked into the bedroom. At least until tomorrow, the two of them would be safe and sound.


End file.
